…and by that, I mean Oxy Clean. Or any other variant chemical product from Billy Mays.
That guy is a cleaning madman. He’s like Ron Popeil, but like so far removed from reality that you just have to wonder if he suffered a brain injury from having his head caught in a Space Bag. Which makes me wonder why the Space Bag doesn’t come with the “Space Iron”, ‘cuz it sure seems to me that once you release that mass of negative pressure, that you’re gonna have some serious wrinkles to contend with. Pardon my French, but I just don’t want my comforter looking like a 119 year-old vagina that’s been left out in the sun. (…and I’m thinking that if you have a 119 year-old vagina and are leaving it out in the sun, you may be ripe for a book deal) Anyway….
So… I get to obsessing over the Oxy product lineup, and wondered where all of the stuff comes from. (“Orange Glow brings wood back to looking like new!” Really? Does it replace the bark and everything? Awesome. Visitors to my house would be all like “nice tree you have there. It looks like those roots are a bitch to vacuum around.” and I’d be all like “no, that’s my coffee table. I used Orange Glow”, and they’d be all like “why do you keep saying ‘all like’?” and I’d be all like “I have no idea.”) It seems that Billy just went on a mission to see what stuff in nature could have the power to clean even the nastiest of soap scum/urine, blood/oil/whatever… And it obviously brings him pleasure. Oh, wait, that sounded bad. But not bad enough not to explore further….
“New Orgasma Clean! It’s a cleaner, it’s a lubricant, it’s a fabric starch… hell, it’s even an adhesive if you leave it there long enough! Using my patented, all natural process, I’ve distilled new Oxy Spooge 6000 (yes, it’s so good, we re-named it during this commercial) right from the source, by drinking a mixture of vinegar, alcohol, apple juice and ammonia for 11 weeks, and created a product so versatile, you’d crap yourself just pondering the idea. The secret is in the unique pump and squirt tube. Careful! You don’t want that getting in your eye! A few spurts on this chest, and you’ll squeal with delight. Look at that! It’s, um, gee…. it’s… well…. it’s a fucking mess is what it is… Normally it takes a few more pumps… You get that cleaned up while I grab a sandwich. Speaking of sandwiches, what the hell is the point here?”
Anyway, I just wanted to pay some homage to the guy who has brought us everything from cleaners to storage devices to bizarre wire hooks that’ll probably keep drywall repair going strong well into the 38th century, to, well, all kinds of crap. The man is proof that there is a niche for every product…
”Tired of wiping your ass after a big shit? Try my new Ass Weasel 4000! Simply insert the brush on this spinning base….”
”Too lazy to breathe? Try the Sternum Stomper! By pushing down on your chest with 35 pounds of pressure — that’s over 11 TIMES what you need to breathe! — you can avoid exerting ANY energy at all…”
”Dead hookers an unsightly problem in your basement? The Corpse Chopper Elite not only chops up the body into more manageable, smaller pieces for transporting to the woods, but grinds the teeth!” (too far? …you should hear the one that diddn’t make the, uh, “cut”)
My major concern with any of these infomercials, though, has to be the state of unclean they find the example bathroom/carpet/whatever in to begin with…. if your bathroom looks like that, well, I’d say it’s time to shut the fucking TV off, and grab a can of kerosene. Unless your bathroom is at a gas station, train depot, or an abandoned house, I’d say it pretty much has no hope of looking that bad. If it did, would you clean it? Hell no. You’d break out the Space Bags and high-tail it outta there…
